Moving Forward
I've been going through a really hard season lately. This whole school semester so far, I've found myself constantly defeated when I'm faced with worldly circumstances. I've been really stressed and sulking in my sadness, looking for the smallest glimmers of hope to keep me going (which have mostly been the people around me, shoutout to them for being so freaking amazing).
I want the content I make on here to be happy, but I also want it to be real. And whoever is reading this, and whatever you're going through, the things you are experiencing, whether it's good or bad, are very real things.
Just so you get an idea here's a couple things that happened to me this semester (if this doesn't interest you skip this paragraph haha):
-Double majoring(about 5 classes per day), working 12.5 hours a week, leading a small group, serving on the worship team, illustrating for the school magazine, creating a piece, dancing in pieces, and hanging out with people
-Standing up for myself during the first two weeks of school after I was almost kicked out for a class that I was waitlisted for and should have gotten into, but didn't because the online portal messed up. I was denied for a long time though I needed the class to graduate.
-Getting a bald spot from stress
-Not getting something that I thought was essential to succeed at school and being singled out for it
-Told that I didn't have what it takes by someone I look up to
-Having a fridge that stopped working for two weeks=no food at home and no money since I was buying out for everything
-Being so insecure about my weight gain
About two weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. And though this isn't the first time I've experienced death, I found myself unfamiliar with this sense of loss even though I had already been complaining about losing something everyday. And by losing something, I mean feeling like I have less and less control on what happens in my life. Her life reminded me that everything is temporary and so it's important to hold on to the happy things as long as possible, but that when bad things come, those things will pass too. And during everything, hold onto Jesus; that is something Grandma always did. The things in the list above and more, that I thought would end my world, didn't seem to matter anymore.
It's been really hard to let go of things lately. But I want to be able to continue with my life and look back and say, "yeah, that time of my life was so hard but look where I am now." And whatever that "now" becomes, though I have no idea what it'll be like, I have hope that it's going to be good.
As a program note for my piece I wrote, "At this moment, I accept."
I accept that things have been hard. I accept that I've been upset. I accept that I don't have all the answers. I accept that things haven't gone my way, but I surrender control, breathe, and move forward.
I want the content I make on here to be happy, but I also want it to be real. And whoever is reading this, and whatever you're going through, the things you are experiencing, whether it's good or bad, are very real things.
Just so you get an idea here's a couple things that happened to me this semester (if this doesn't interest you skip this paragraph haha):
-Double majoring(about 5 classes per day), working 12.5 hours a week, leading a small group, serving on the worship team, illustrating for the school magazine, creating a piece, dancing in pieces, and hanging out with people
-Standing up for myself during the first two weeks of school after I was almost kicked out for a class that I was waitlisted for and should have gotten into, but didn't because the online portal messed up. I was denied for a long time though I needed the class to graduate.
-Getting a bald spot from stress
-Not getting something that I thought was essential to succeed at school and being singled out for it
-Told that I didn't have what it takes by someone I look up to
-Having a fridge that stopped working for two weeks=no food at home and no money since I was buying out for everything
-Being so insecure about my weight gain
About two weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. And though this isn't the first time I've experienced death, I found myself unfamiliar with this sense of loss even though I had already been complaining about losing something everyday. And by losing something, I mean feeling like I have less and less control on what happens in my life. Her life reminded me that everything is temporary and so it's important to hold on to the happy things as long as possible, but that when bad things come, those things will pass too. And during everything, hold onto Jesus; that is something Grandma always did. The things in the list above and more, that I thought would end my world, didn't seem to matter anymore.
It's been really hard to let go of things lately. But I want to be able to continue with my life and look back and say, "yeah, that time of my life was so hard but look where I am now." And whatever that "now" becomes, though I have no idea what it'll be like, I have hope that it's going to be good.
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| My Amazing "In Hopes Of" Cast, Photographed by Christopher Woodyard |
Last week, my dance piece titled, In Hopes Of, premiered at school (link is in the portfolio section), and honestly that process though stressful, served as an outlet of healing for me. The work is a marker stone/collection of my thoughts through this time. This idea that we are "going" constantly into the unknown, and how we all may start on the same pathways, but we all end up in different places, sometimes with someone else, sometimes not. And everything is valid and "okay." We are growing, shrinking, falling, supporting, and free. And by accepting what's around you, you can experience greatness. And if it doesn't feel so great, you can still have hope for what's to come since you'll still be "going". To quote myself from the last post,
But even if a stop sign
Interferes with your lane,
It's only a pause,
You'll get to
Go soon.
I accept that things have been hard. I accept that I've been upset. I accept that I don't have all the answers. I accept that things haven't gone my way, but I surrender control, breathe, and move forward.
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