TwentyTwenty: Reflections, Questions, and more

Something I've been hearing a lot lately is this idea that entering 2021 means the end of all things 2020— an awful year that no one wants to remember. And I get it. We crave a clean slate, and we want things the way they used to be. We want to place 2020 in a box and leave it to rot in our basement. However, as I reflected on this year, I found that there are many things from 2020 that I want to carry over into 2021.  Rachel, what? That's crazy! I know, but the values I've learned this year in the height of the lockdown, the protests, the pain, I hoped I would figure out eventually. This year just happened to speed up that process. And maybe that's a good thing. I mean think about it, if what happened this year didn't happen, how much different would you be?

As I debrief a little on my year, I invite you to reflect on your own year. To be clear, reflection does not mean just putting a positive spin on things. Rather than invalidate your feelings, I hope that you will validate your feelings. By doing that, be honest with yourself and allow yourself to bring BOTH happy and sad emotions to the surface. 

In March, I wrote a post that shared my personal theme for 2020 and four prompts that I decided to implement in my journaling practice.

1. I am excited about...

2. I am grateful for...

3. I have learned that...

4. So I let go of...

Applying my year to these prompts I would say the following:

I am excited about the new experiences I had this year. I made my first dance film, I co-wrote a script, I rode a bike in NY after not riding one for 10 years, I created new work, I was exposed to MCU and Avatar, and honestly, the list of new experiences could go on for quite a bit. That's crazy.

I am grateful for the people in my life. I might say that all the time, but I REALLY mean it. Even with the restrictions and the craziness, I managed to receive an overwhelming amount of support this year. Y'all gotta take my word for it, but I truly am surrounded by the most kind-hearted, talented, beautiful people. I want to remember the moments I shared with them this year more than anything else. You guys know who you are, and so let me just remind you for the 1000th time, I am so grateful for you. 

I have learned that the things that make me different are actually my strengths. The characteristics that make someone else different are also their strengths. As someone who loves uncovering the layers of individuals and finding what makes them unique, it was odd that I tried too hard to fit in. Until this year, I thought that everything that made me stand out—my race, my tendency to grab leadership positions, my daydreamer attitude—made me weak because I had experienced times where these left me feeling isolated from society. But in reality, I think there's power in what makes me, me, and I don't think I have enough patience to wait for everyone else to accept them. So I have to. And I want to be able to remind others how special, powerful, and valuable they are for being them. 

So I let go of control. Or try to anyway hehe. I'm definitely still trying to figure it out. To elevate this, my theme for the semester (shoutout to Tin Tin for keeping me accountable) was to intentionally do things I was scared of. I did this a little freshman year, but those were mainly things I had to face based on the circumstances life gave me. They felt a little accidental if that makes sense. This fall was about going out of my way to do things in which I would purposely not have complete control and where I could end up looking like a failure. Hopefully, these bigger things I pursued will start to influence my daily habits and I can be more open and adventurous in the coming year. 

Some more questions I asked myself included the following:

1. Who have I become closer to? Why do I think that is?

2. What was my happiest memory, saddest memory, angriest memory, and most treasured memory?

3. What are things I accomplished that I'm proud of?

4. Who inspired me this year, and how/why did they inspire me?

5. Where in the year did I feel at my lowest point? What caused that? How long did it last?

6. Where in the year did I feel at my highest? What caused that? How long did it last?

My highest point of this year was the first couple weeks of October. I had the incredible opportunity to still take dance class in-person as well as perform. The days leading up to our performance and the high I felt after was absolutely amazing. Having a small audience, dancing in masks, not being able to have a lot of people on stage at the same time, didn't matter. In fact, I don't even think that we cared about that at all because my classmates and I didn't believe we would get to the point of performing the incredible work that was created. I am really grateful that I got to dance in multiple pieces and my pod could have not been more supportive of my quick changes and heavy breathing backstage. This was also where I got to check off a fear of mine: choreographing and performing a solo. My favorite moment of the show had to be before the last piece each night. We would be behind the closed curtain, in a circle, wearing these beautiful pink costumes, and we would just breathe and sway in perfect unison, under the low blue lighting. Our masks folding into our mouths with each inhale. I would look around and see faces of the people that inspire me and think, "I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we did it." It just felt like such a victory doing what I love with people I love. I was so proud of us.

I hope that this causes you to look at this year a little differently. It's important to take the things we've learned about our own biases, the conversations we've had with other people, the moments that caused growth, into 2021. You don't have to remember 2020 as an entirety forever, but before you put it away in the basement, maybe pull out a few gems and put them on display.