A Collection of Moments

 a collection of moments over the past couple of months.

Gripping

The center of my forehead 

Aches.

My nose clogs up as I feel 

Suffocated by what's 

Lacking.

What I'm lacking,

The wound presses

Deeper to reach the Layer of Fear

That seems to 

Make up more of my

Existence than the bones,

Muscles, and organs that help me

Stand.

I understand.

Dreams are meant to be

Worked for, 

Hoped for,

Exhausted for,

Reached for,

Heartbroken over.

Until it magically just happens.

With more 

Passages of Time,

I hold tighter,

Dangling off of some structure

Where I can't look down

Because I'll be too 

Scared to let go.

So my muscles 

Pump, veins popping out,

Fingers crunched for now

As I figure out 

Hanging on.

Pit

I can't tell if 

I can't feel 

Anything in my hands

Or if I just really feel the

Numbing sensations,

Ever-present in my fingertips.

My feet feel colder than usual.

My insides feel like the aftermath of

A milkshake, still bubbling,

Thickening with each stir, becoming stiff.

Mother's voice is faint.

"Tell yourself it's okay."

I promise I'm trying 

But the state of "okay" feels an ocean away

And I'm scared of oceans,

I don't know how much I can 

Drown myself with distractions.

Meditation, music, writing, dancing

Isn't loud enough to mute the ringing in my ear,

"You win!" I say. "I'm here,"

Time will still move,

I can't just push pause on a remote.

The tide is rising

My stomach is turning

Here comes the wave.

Pinched Nerve

Is it too complicated to 

Wish for a simple life?

One with clear boundaries,

And steps,

And purpose.

Where I can look into your eyes and 

Know that I'm in love.

The gaze isn't muddled by "buts" or "what ifs" and

Instead of tiptoeing around

My feet can be planted,

Grounded,

Rooted.

I seek freedom 

But I don't think that means 

Lack of structure,

I think I lack structure,

So I want guidance.

I'm trying to read my own palms.

Analyzing what each line means but it's

Hard to tell which lines are real lines and 

Which lines are wrinkles that have formed

With age.

I want to unravel,

Pinpoint what's pinching me.