A Collection of Moments

 a collection of moments over the past couple of months.

The center of my forehead 
My nose clogs up as I feel 
Suffocated by what's 
What I'm lacking,

The wound presses
Deeper to reach the Layer of Fear
That seems to 
Make up more of my
Existence than the bones,
Muscles, and organs that help me

I understand.
Dreams are meant to be
Worked for, 
Hoped for,
Exhausted for,
Reached for,
Heartbroken over.

Until it magically just happens.

With more 
Passages of Time,
I hold tighter,
Dangling off of some structure
Where I can't look down
Because I'll be too 
Scared to let go.

So my muscles 
Pump, veins popping out,
Fingers crunched for now
As I figure out 
Hanging on.

I can't tell if 
I can't feel 
Anything in my hands
Or if I just really feel the
Numbing sensations,
Ever-present in my fingertips.
My feet feel colder than usual.
My insides feel like the aftermath of
A milkshake, still bubbling,
Thickening with each stir, becoming stiff.

Mother's voice is faint.
"Tell yourself it's okay."
I promise I'm trying 
But the state of "okay" feels an ocean away
And I'm scared of oceans,
I don't know how much I can 
Drown myself with distractions.

Meditation, music, writing, dancing
Isn't loud enough to mute the ringing in my ear,

"You win!" I say. "I'm here,"
Time will still move,
I can't just push pause on a remote.

The tide is rising
My stomach is turning
Here comes the wave.

Pinched Nerve
Is it too complicated to 
Wish for a simple life?
One with clear boundaries,
And steps,
And purpose.

Where I can look into your eyes and 
Know that I'm in love.
The gaze isn't muddled by "buts" or "what ifs" and
Instead of tiptoeing around
My feet can be planted,

I seek freedom 
But I don't think that means 
Lack of structure,
I think I lack structure,
So I want guidance.

I'm trying to read my own palms.
Analyzing what each line means but it's
Hard to tell which lines are real lines and 
Which lines are wrinkles that have formed
With age.

I want to unravel,
Pinpoint what's pinching me.