Underneath It All
I've been itching to post for a while, but I haven't been sure what to write. It's quite the loop I found myself in: open a blank post, type, erase, rewrite, delete. Mostly I've been feeling overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to bring positivity through the frustration of remote classes that seems to drain my energy more rapidly than before, in addition to the burning sensation in my eyes from constantly staring at a screen.
However, I'm feeling a little inspired to write as I'm currently watching a Texas sunset from my living room couch. A warm pink light peeking through a lot of periwinkle clumps of fluff, slightly blocked by the muntin on the windows. It's moments like these I've been grasping onto, almost squeezing too tight that my fingernails leave imprints on the palms of my hands.
Part of the reasoning for my clenched grip to peaceful moments is because each day is a gamble of my emotions. I never know what type of mood I'm going to be in, nor how to fully control it. Some days, I'm really happy that I'm home. I finish each dance class knowing that I now get to devour whatever my mom has cooked for me, finally released from the torture of the amazing aroma that snuck up on me during adagio. Some days, I find myself having trouble muting all the voices that linger in my head. A constant battle with myself. Don't forget you have to do this, write that, draw the thing, reach out to that person, check this off your list. Don't mess it up, you committed to these things. I know you want to be alone but be a people person. Positive vibes! And other days, I find myself grieving, missing the city and all its lights, both that shine from buildings and the people I know.
All of that to say, I've sort of been all over the place. And maybe you are too. Maybe this whole shelter-in-place thing is hindering you from feeling 100% like you.
In trying to figure out how to balance between allowing myself to feel emotions and proceeding forward so I don't miss opportunities to be grateful, I've been trying to go back to the basics of who I am.
"Rachel, what does that even mean?"
Honestly, I'm not too sure. I guess mostly I've been trying to strip away all the outer layers to find out what feeds the deepest part of my core and do the things that seem to ignite those parts of me that may have not risen to the surface in a while. There's a lot of activities and habits I feel like I've stopped doing at some point in my life, some due to busyness, some due to it not feeling "cool enough," so I've been on a mission of rediscovery. What brought me joy in the past, why did it stop, and what does it mean to me now. Here are a couple of things I came across.
1. Songs that I used to constantly play on repeat.
My problem with music is that once I find a song that really love, I only listen to that single track over and over again until I've absolutely exhausted it. I was curious to go back and listen to the songs that once hypnotized me, and let me say they did not disappoint. Somehow they still had the power to transform my environment and give me a three-minute break from reality. As cringy and sappy my music taste was (and still kind of is), I equally felt nostalgic and renewed in some way. Reach out to me if you want to know any of them (:
2. Watching videos of my favorite Kpop groups.
Though this may be depriving me of a healthy sleep schedule, I forgot how infatuated I was with Kpop groups and how much they made me laugh. This week, I have found myself lost in the rabbit hole of Youtube and feeling like 16-year-old me again. For those of you who are unfamiliar, K-pop groups release an album about every 6 months or so, so you can imagine all the memes, parodies, promotional interviews, and music videos I had to get through. I was laughing so hard at some of these that my sister has come into my room on a few occasions to ask what in the world I am finding so funny. I admit, I was cackling but sometimes you can't hold it in.
3. Hip Hop dance classes.
HAHAHAHA. So back in the day, I LOVED hip hop. After I studied at a performing arts high school and with my current studies at NYU, hip hop has definitely disappeared from my life because the curriculum is around ballet and modern. Now I'm not saying I was any good at it to begin with, but I feel like little Rachel had a lot more swag than I currently do. Now with the amazing access to all the online resources that the dance community has provided, I decided to take a hip hop class. I haven't felt this awkward in so long, and I was definitely laughing at myself the whole time but it was really fun to tap into a side of me that normally does not exist. Immediately after the class, I tweeted that I would be leaving hip hop in my past, but I've been doing the combination every day since I learned it because I have fun doing it, so maybe online hip hop will become a consistent thing for me. We'll see...
4. Online computer games.
Okay, I know Animal Crossing on the Switch is all the rage now (I literally looked online for about an hour looking into buying a cheap one), but until I purchase one, I've been old school and going back to things like Club Penguin and Poptropica. For my ballet partnering class over Zoom, we are required to come up with a trust exercise with someone in our class. Last week my partner and I (shoutout to her) decided to play Poptropica or Club Penguin each day and check-in with each other. We eventually stuck to Club Penguin because that was easier for us in terms of accounts, etc, but it was so nice to do something mindlessly each day and go back and play mini-games that I had forgotten all about. I'll probably go back and still check-in going forward haha.
5. Reading outside.
I know this is so weird, but when I read a book for pleasure, I have to read outside. I don't know if it's cause Vitamin D keeps my mind charged but it's something I enjoy. A bit of warmth and sounds of the trees rustling just keeps me in tune with my inner reading voice. Due to different courses at school that have weekly readings or some sort of assignment that includes reading, somewhere I've lost way of reading for pleasure. In New York last year, I always brought a book with me to Washington Square Park whether I was alone or with others. The weather has been quite cloudy and dark in Texas, but there have been really nice days where I've been trying to take advantage of reading. Even when I have homework and assignments that I need to do, if it's a really nice day, I take it as a sign from God that it's time to read haha because I feel like some books that I read really feed me inspiration or peace of sorts.
However, I'm feeling a little inspired to write as I'm currently watching a Texas sunset from my living room couch. A warm pink light peeking through a lot of periwinkle clumps of fluff, slightly blocked by the muntin on the windows. It's moments like these I've been grasping onto, almost squeezing too tight that my fingernails leave imprints on the palms of my hands.
Part of the reasoning for my clenched grip to peaceful moments is because each day is a gamble of my emotions. I never know what type of mood I'm going to be in, nor how to fully control it. Some days, I'm really happy that I'm home. I finish each dance class knowing that I now get to devour whatever my mom has cooked for me, finally released from the torture of the amazing aroma that snuck up on me during adagio. Some days, I find myself having trouble muting all the voices that linger in my head. A constant battle with myself. Don't forget you have to do this, write that, draw the thing, reach out to that person, check this off your list. Don't mess it up, you committed to these things. I know you want to be alone but be a people person. Positive vibes! And other days, I find myself grieving, missing the city and all its lights, both that shine from buildings and the people I know.
All of that to say, I've sort of been all over the place. And maybe you are too. Maybe this whole shelter-in-place thing is hindering you from feeling 100% like you.
In trying to figure out how to balance between allowing myself to feel emotions and proceeding forward so I don't miss opportunities to be grateful, I've been trying to go back to the basics of who I am.
"Rachel, what does that even mean?"
Honestly, I'm not too sure. I guess mostly I've been trying to strip away all the outer layers to find out what feeds the deepest part of my core and do the things that seem to ignite those parts of me that may have not risen to the surface in a while. There's a lot of activities and habits I feel like I've stopped doing at some point in my life, some due to busyness, some due to it not feeling "cool enough," so I've been on a mission of rediscovery. What brought me joy in the past, why did it stop, and what does it mean to me now. Here are a couple of things I came across.
1. Songs that I used to constantly play on repeat.
My problem with music is that once I find a song that really love, I only listen to that single track over and over again until I've absolutely exhausted it. I was curious to go back and listen to the songs that once hypnotized me, and let me say they did not disappoint. Somehow they still had the power to transform my environment and give me a three-minute break from reality. As cringy and sappy my music taste was (and still kind of is), I equally felt nostalgic and renewed in some way. Reach out to me if you want to know any of them (:
2. Watching videos of my favorite Kpop groups.
Though this may be depriving me of a healthy sleep schedule, I forgot how infatuated I was with Kpop groups and how much they made me laugh. This week, I have found myself lost in the rabbit hole of Youtube and feeling like 16-year-old me again. For those of you who are unfamiliar, K-pop groups release an album about every 6 months or so, so you can imagine all the memes, parodies, promotional interviews, and music videos I had to get through. I was laughing so hard at some of these that my sister has come into my room on a few occasions to ask what in the world I am finding so funny. I admit, I was cackling but sometimes you can't hold it in.
3. Hip Hop dance classes.
HAHAHAHA. So back in the day, I LOVED hip hop. After I studied at a performing arts high school and with my current studies at NYU, hip hop has definitely disappeared from my life because the curriculum is around ballet and modern. Now I'm not saying I was any good at it to begin with, but I feel like little Rachel had a lot more swag than I currently do. Now with the amazing access to all the online resources that the dance community has provided, I decided to take a hip hop class. I haven't felt this awkward in so long, and I was definitely laughing at myself the whole time but it was really fun to tap into a side of me that normally does not exist. Immediately after the class, I tweeted that I would be leaving hip hop in my past, but I've been doing the combination every day since I learned it because I have fun doing it, so maybe online hip hop will become a consistent thing for me. We'll see...
4. Online computer games.
Okay, I know Animal Crossing on the Switch is all the rage now (I literally looked online for about an hour looking into buying a cheap one), but until I purchase one, I've been old school and going back to things like Club Penguin and Poptropica. For my ballet partnering class over Zoom, we are required to come up with a trust exercise with someone in our class. Last week my partner and I (shoutout to her) decided to play Poptropica or Club Penguin each day and check-in with each other. We eventually stuck to Club Penguin because that was easier for us in terms of accounts, etc, but it was so nice to do something mindlessly each day and go back and play mini-games that I had forgotten all about. I'll probably go back and still check-in going forward haha.
5. Reading outside.
I know this is so weird, but when I read a book for pleasure, I have to read outside. I don't know if it's cause Vitamin D keeps my mind charged but it's something I enjoy. A bit of warmth and sounds of the trees rustling just keeps me in tune with my inner reading voice. Due to different courses at school that have weekly readings or some sort of assignment that includes reading, somewhere I've lost way of reading for pleasure. In New York last year, I always brought a book with me to Washington Square Park whether I was alone or with others. The weather has been quite cloudy and dark in Texas, but there have been really nice days where I've been trying to take advantage of reading. Even when I have homework and assignments that I need to do, if it's a really nice day, I take it as a sign from God that it's time to read haha because I feel like some books that I read really feed me inspiration or peace of sorts.
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