Dear Younger Me

Over winter break, my parents sold my childhood home and moved. Upon discovering this unfamiliar place when I visited Texas in December, I stumbled upon many photo albums. I was a bit shaken, looking at pictures of myself, but feeling strange for not remembering more about who I was during the time that each photo was taken. Because of my birthday this weekend (how gross), I wanted to try to recall faded memories by writing small notes to myself in each of these stages.


Baby Rachel,
So small, without a care in the world.

Mom and Dad told me how much you smile.
Elmo is your BFF right now, and you'll

be happy to know that you still hear

Elmo's giggle everyday,
but instead of it coming from

the red puppet, it comes from our Mom.
She sounds just like Elmo when she laughs.
She's probably your best friend right now and
that won't ever change.
My day isn't complete until I check in with Mom.
I heard you're not so great in dealing with
strangers, but I promise you,
you will soon conquer that fear, saying hi to literally
everyone and asking if you can sing or dance
for them. Live in laughter little one.

Toddler Rachel,    

You and your red shoes. You wear other

color shoes now, believe it or not. You were quite the

adventurer. Let me be clear,
you like going places, but our personality
isn't so adventurous.
You love taking trips to the
Arboretum and the Scarborough Fair
with the parentals.
 But when you go,
you are set in your ways,
asking to see the same things over

and over again. Don't forget about
the other beautiful things around you.
Does Dad try to push you out of your
comfort zone? He definitely does now.
It's out of love so try not to whine.
Dad's really wise and loving.
The deer statue from the Arboretum
 you love will still be there
many years later, so just jump into
Dad's arms and let him show you everything.   

Preschool Rachel,
I admire you. Your poor parents put you in normal

clothes for your first dance class. Why didn't you get a cute little leotard and skirt? But instead of being 

embarrassed, you just went for it and had the time of your life. I sometimes wish I can be like that now,
bold and not caring about those around me.
You're trying everything! Piano, art

class, dance, amongst other things.
And because you loved these things,
I get to love these things now.
Thank you so much for this.
You probably don't know how much you've set us up.
You're just going to Club Libby Lu to wear sequined dresses
with your friends or sleeping over at your friends' houses.
You are such a rockstar Rachel! Keep it up!

Elementary School Rachel,
You are so brave. Hang in there.
You've come to learn that you look different
than the other kids in your class. And despite
what you're thinking, different isn't a
bad thing. I know it's hard to tune out the
voices, but you aren't alone. Other Asian
American kids are experiencing this too.
Mom worked so hard on making your delicious
lunch so just eat it and focus on how lucky
you are to have a mom who made this special meal for you.
Even when kids say it's gross. They are missing out.
And even if those boys say something to you again and again,
remember that one of your friends offered to be your
bodyguard, but even without him, you are a fighter.
It's okay if you decide to block out the Korean side
of you right now because you'll come to discover
how much you love that side, but try to keep your head up.  Also, kids are just dumb haha. You also gained a sister,
she's pretty awesome. Even though you're older, she'll inspire
you a lot, so don't be "too cool" to play with her. 

Middle School Rachel, 

You know, you're doing great. I think this is your prime time.
You're dancing, you're singing, you're trying to love
the people around you. 

Don't get me wrong, like every other middle schooler,
you have your fair share of awkwardness.
Especially in front of boys. 

I wish I could tell you that we become less obvious and 

weird in front of them, but even now you get way too

giddy when you talk to your crush. Despite that though

you meet some amazing people during this time,

and somehow they are still a part of your life today. 

You are really extroverted, or as your friends call

you, a social butterfly, and sometimes I wish that I
was still this outgoing so keep at it, and don't
let the fear of others hinder you from being who you are.

Also, the memories you're making with your

choir family and theatre friends have only created

a foundation for you to be constantly inspired

by others, which is really cool, and I hope is something that you are cherishing right now.
I know you're scared to leave them

and go to a completely different high school but 

they won't leave your side.

High School Rachel, 

I know this time seems crazy with many ups

and downs, but hold on to what you love 

and who you love. You falling into these patterns of

insecurity aren't abnormal. And I realize that

compared to your life before, it was

so much easier to put yourself out there.
Even though you're going through these stages of
doubt, remember to stay in your own lane.
And yes, we are still working on this today so maybe if
you start now, we'll become even stronger.
You're growing up. You're learning how to deal with
love, rejection, loss.
 But part of growing up is
moving on, going into the unknown, and believing
that everything will fall into place. I know you hold onto
the times you didn't get such and such or whatever
that person said to you, but you are being set up for
success. All the stuff that seem ginormous to you right now
are only a small part of your life. You are surrounded
by such talented young artists so absorb as much
information and love from your peers and teachers.
You will be so grateful for you experience here.
We're gonna be just fine.


Sincerely 20-year-old Rachel