While in a Funk...

July 27, 2019

I’m currently sitting on my flight back to Dallas with a lot of anxious energy. It has been a while since I last posted on my blog. To be completely honest, it is because I feel like I’ve been in a little bit of a funk this summer. Not necessarily a bad funk, but I've felt a little stuck and off. But because the whole point of this blog is to try to align your mind to your heart, soul, and lifestyle, and find peace within the chaos, I decided to share a little of what I have done in the couple months I haven’t been writing. 

The beginning of summer, I was mostly focused on my classes and getting settled into my first apartment(yay adulting). The dance program here at NYU requires you to take the summer session which consists of learning from a different dance choreographer or company each week. In addition to my dance classes from 9-3, I took Graphic Journalism and worked in the city. Heading into the summer dance session, I longed for some sort of crazy spark of love or hope or something along those lines because when it came to dance, fearing the future and doubting my career had become a real habit of mine. And though I had little moments of redemption and revelations in these classes, the real life changing portion for me happened from taking the Graphic Journalism class. I had taken a lot of art classes as a kid, but this class made me fall in love with illustrating and taught me the power of illustrations. I’m not good at drawing by any means, but the events I got to attend, and the work I got to create were so fun for me and something I will probably continue. 

Though these classes really met, maybe even exceeded my expectations, my happiness and ability to move forward into the rest of summer seemed to be hindered by thoughts of doubt and insecurity. I don’t know where this pride of me thinking I was “too much” or “not enough” came from, but this type of thinking really left me feeling isolated. Part of it may have been because I was physically and mentally drained from my classes as well as dealing with mice in the apartment (the mice killed count is currently ten in case you were wondering) and didn't really get a time of rest. I didn’t feel like people could bear with me. I felt like my Texas roots and the values that came with that kept me separated from many people in New York, but I also felt that all the change and amazing things I experienced in New York would not be understood in Texas. I don’t know at what point I decided to measure myself based on how people reacted towards me, but what I thought were other people’s standards of me became my standards of me even though I knew that this way of thinking was unfair to me. And though I want to leave this on the plane and be able to enjoy all my Texas people and the delicious food, I’m worried that this negative mindset will play on a loop in the background. But I hope that coming back will act as a reset for me and that by being reminded of where I came from and what I have gone through will help me move forward out of this funk and have hope for the future. I feel stuck between two worlds, but I know that I am extremely blessed in being able to partake in both of them. 

“Home is where the heart is,” is a cheesy phrase that I have been trying to understand. My heart is filled with people that I have been lucky enough to encounter. And after my first year in New York, that number has grown exponentially because there are some amazing NY people that have Texas-sized hearts. I am already missing them as I fly back to Texas, but Texas is where I will get to catch up with those who have shaped me. Since Texas is where my physical heart will be at the moment, I want to be present and enjoy life at a slower pace. Almost home.