I Did Four Things This Week That I Was Scared Of

I didn't realize the power "fear" had. After a couple conversations over the past couple weeks, I've had to reflect on the choices I made daily, or more so, the lack of choices I made, in fear of something. But this past week, I decided that I really wanted to push myself. I did four things that I was scared of and here is how it went.

1. Facing the past. Haha, so dramatic. But it wasn't really that big of a deal. Unexpectedly, I was presented with the opportunity to re-open a part of me that used to be one of the main focuses in my life. A part of me wanted to launch at the opportunity. I wanted to test myself on how much I've grown or not grown, and what little seeds of doubt were still in me. The other part of me was screaming, "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You're fine! Just let it be!!" Honestly though, I was worried I would regret it more if I didn't take the opportunity. So I did. And it was weird. I don't know if I was looking for answers, closure, satisfaction, but I expected something in that realm to happen. It didn't, but instead made me realize how I had truly let go of it already. I didn't necessarily have bitterness or happiness, in fact, I didn't really have any feelings at all. It was weird, but it wasn't as bad as I thought.

2. Putting my art out into the world and inviting people to see it. Even though I study dance, I have stage fright. But what's even more scary than performing, is creating something and then presenting it. And so for some reason I decided that I was going to create a duet and then dance in the duet as well. In November, I had signed up to choreograph a piece for the May show. When I signed up, I thought I would have grown more as an artist and be steps closer to finding my voice. In addition, this was sort of my debut in college, and I wanted so much validation from others. The process of creating it was actually fun. I enjoyed working with my duet partner and the movement itself felt good on my body, but I was so wrapped up in worrying about the judgement of others and over the fact that my piece didn't exactly fit the style that everyone else at school was doing. I thought about pulling out so many times. Luckily, I had such a support system that encouraged me and wanted to come see it, and to my own surprise, I actually told people when the show was so that they could come see it. I think the main reason why I kept at it was because I was hungry to grow. I wanted to dive, head first, and for once in my life have enough confidence to put something out there. Performing it was such a rush. And I don't know what exactly changed, but I think this duet is something that I am proud to have created. I still can't believe it happened. Shoutout to my awesome composer and partner and all the people who came to support me (: (You can watch this piece in the portfolio section!)

3. Reaching out to others in times of need and being completely honest about my struggles. College for me has been quite a whirlwind. It's had high highs and really low lows. I have always been an open book meaning that my friends and peers always know what is going on with me, but when I feel like everything is out of my control or I am at my lowest low, I try to fix it on my own. I want to be a positive person. I don't want to place complaints and negative energy on to others, and I didn't know how others would even handle my situation. Everyone has their own problems, why should I burden them with mine? Some people I had barely talked to, and now I was going to reach out just because I had a problem? How selfish of me. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And it made me realize how truly blessed and grateful I am for the people I have. Thank you for the incredible people who listened to me.

4. Being confrontational. I have always been the type to stay silent and let things just happen. I received the wrong order? I still eat it. I was taken advantage of? I let it be. It's not like I suppress my feelings and they turn to anger or anything, but sometimes I feel very defeated. Throughout the week, I had maybe three very serious conversations that I didn't want to have. And in all three, I knew I had to be completely honest. When I need to be confrontational, my worst fear is to be called over-dramatic and told that it was all in my head. Then I believe my voice has less value or doesn't matter, and that's not okay. I feel like then I caused a problem for no reason. And none of the confrontational conversations I had ended in this way. They all made me feel a lot better. Now, I'm not going to be a confrontational person all of a sudden, but perhaps this is a small step in the correct direction for when I will need to share my voice in the future.