Looking a Little Deeper
Due to my recent schedule and focusing on my journey of finding myself, I've missed publishing blog posts the past couple weeks. I have a lot of happier posts about life, and college, and things coming in the next couple weeks, but I decided to be a little more open and share about some of my current struggles. I'm really sorry that this post is a little more serious, but maybe, just maybe, the journey I am currently on, can relate to some of you. I wanted to share the hard things and not just cruise through the current state of my life because when I reflect back on this post in a couple months or years, maybe I will realize why this time of struggle happened and what I learned from it.
These past couple weeks for me have looked a little something like this:
I wake up early, knowing that I am WAY too tired to function, but force myself out of bed because as it turns out, college is school which means I have classes. I either make breakfast or get breakfast, paying attention to what's going on on social media, feeding my brain with aesthetically pleasing photos or false news in attempt to avoid thinking of the millions of things I need to do/accomplish that day. I go to class, already drained, so I'm not being present, I'm not being able to pay attention, and I'm not allowing myself to enjoy something that I have chosen to study because I'm supposed to love it. At lunch with my friends, I'm complaining, whining, interrupting, speaking negatively about my life and not mentioning a single thing that is good. I'm dry with them, become more impatient with everyone, and spend more time in isolation when I can. I debate whether or not to go to my afternoon classes, dreaming about sleep, Netflix, and movies, but I go to class because I don't skip class. I spend most of the class discreetly trying to glance at the clock, waiting for the magic numbers that tell me that I'm free for the day. I go to dinner and I eat a lot. The more I eat and sit at dinner, the later my homework gets started, so I just keep going until I'm completely full. I do some homework, take a shower, go to sleep and repeat everything the next day.
I've been unmotivated, negative, and uninspired. I don't know about you, but this is not the life I want to live. Granted, I've become this way due to overwhelming circumstances outside of my control, which have taken some of the hope and joy out of me, but I want to live a life where I can fully love others, be fully present in each moment in my life, and get excited about days to come. I've been trying to figure out how I can live positively and happily despite my tiredness, sadness, and anger without feeling like I am lying to myself. It's like I can picture who I want to be right now, but I'm struggling to actually get there. And I will get there. But this is what I can and have been doing now. I've been journaling a lot in hopes to relieve my mind and get out of my funk. I've written problems or emotions I am feeling and writing down a tangible solution, even if it's a temporary solution, but a step I can actually take to feel better or fix my problems. Another thing I'm trying to do is work on my mindset. I don't know if I heard this from somewhere or from someone but a sort of mantra I have been saying to myself over and over recently goes something like
"A little more __________, is still more_________."
You can fill in the blanks with whatever you want but basically it's a mindset I use to reward myself for the little things and to make myself feel a little more motivated. For example, if I'm not focusing in class, I tell myself to just try to be a little more focused because a little more focus is still more focus than I had before. Or if I'm having trouble with being present in a moment, I try to put a little more effort in trying to be present because a little more effort is still more effort. Or if I have so much homework and I feel that it is too much, I try to at least do one assignment because a little more work done is still more work done. These two things seem to be working for me a little bit and though I am still struggling a lot, hopefully I will get out of this way of going through the motions soon. And if you feel this way, I hope you can get re-inspired, refreshed, and re-ignited very soon.
These past couple weeks for me have looked a little something like this:
I wake up early, knowing that I am WAY too tired to function, but force myself out of bed because as it turns out, college is school which means I have classes. I either make breakfast or get breakfast, paying attention to what's going on on social media, feeding my brain with aesthetically pleasing photos or false news in attempt to avoid thinking of the millions of things I need to do/accomplish that day. I go to class, already drained, so I'm not being present, I'm not being able to pay attention, and I'm not allowing myself to enjoy something that I have chosen to study because I'm supposed to love it. At lunch with my friends, I'm complaining, whining, interrupting, speaking negatively about my life and not mentioning a single thing that is good. I'm dry with them, become more impatient with everyone, and spend more time in isolation when I can. I debate whether or not to go to my afternoon classes, dreaming about sleep, Netflix, and movies, but I go to class because I don't skip class. I spend most of the class discreetly trying to glance at the clock, waiting for the magic numbers that tell me that I'm free for the day. I go to dinner and I eat a lot. The more I eat and sit at dinner, the later my homework gets started, so I just keep going until I'm completely full. I do some homework, take a shower, go to sleep and repeat everything the next day.
I've been unmotivated, negative, and uninspired. I don't know about you, but this is not the life I want to live. Granted, I've become this way due to overwhelming circumstances outside of my control, which have taken some of the hope and joy out of me, but I want to live a life where I can fully love others, be fully present in each moment in my life, and get excited about days to come. I've been trying to figure out how I can live positively and happily despite my tiredness, sadness, and anger without feeling like I am lying to myself. It's like I can picture who I want to be right now, but I'm struggling to actually get there. And I will get there. But this is what I can and have been doing now. I've been journaling a lot in hopes to relieve my mind and get out of my funk. I've written problems or emotions I am feeling and writing down a tangible solution, even if it's a temporary solution, but a step I can actually take to feel better or fix my problems. Another thing I'm trying to do is work on my mindset. I don't know if I heard this from somewhere or from someone but a sort of mantra I have been saying to myself over and over recently goes something like
"A little more __________, is still more_________."
You can fill in the blanks with whatever you want but basically it's a mindset I use to reward myself for the little things and to make myself feel a little more motivated. For example, if I'm not focusing in class, I tell myself to just try to be a little more focused because a little more focus is still more focus than I had before. Or if I'm having trouble with being present in a moment, I try to put a little more effort in trying to be present because a little more effort is still more effort. Or if I have so much homework and I feel that it is too much, I try to at least do one assignment because a little more work done is still more work done. These two things seem to be working for me a little bit and though I am still struggling a lot, hopefully I will get out of this way of going through the motions soon. And if you feel this way, I hope you can get re-inspired, refreshed, and re-ignited very soon.
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